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NOTE: This isn't an actual game concept, it's just FFH lore.


"What are you more scared of? The Balseraphs or the Ljosalfar?" Orsen asked his friend, Mikal. "Well," Mikal said, "the Balseraphs are, at least supposedly, on our side. But those rituals they do give me the creeps. And those strange, noisy weapons... I don't care what our battlemage says about 'chemicals' and 'powders' and dwarvish contraptions, I say they're dark magic. I understand the Elves. They want forests, we want cities, but there's only enough room for one. But I'll never understand the Balseraphs." Orsen agreed. "And mark my words," he added, "once the Elves are gone, they'll turn on us."

The Kuriotate scouts had been sent into the thick forests to seek out any Ljosalfar encampments. The forests were thick and wild. Animals were waiting in ambush for the unwary, and after that Balseraph regiment had been wiped out by a treant, both they and the Kuriotates were constantly bickering about who would be going first.

"Look at that... I think there's a clearing up..." Mikal suddenly stopped, and then, made two motions. "Be quiet" and "come here." Orsen followed carefully. There was indeed a clearing. And what was in it was... impossible.

"I thought they were myths..." Orsen whispered. "Might be a trap, though. Or it might be vicious... you can never tell in these woods..." Mikal shook his head. "Can't you feel it... that aura of truth and love? One of Sirona's creatures, surely... peace in living form. It's wonderful."

A unicorn. The friends stood in silent awe for several seconds afterwards. Then, cautiously, Mikal left the brush and approached it. The peaceful creature turned, unconcerned, towards Mikal, but made no aggressive moves. Mikal slowly approached, his hand outstretched...

An explosion rang out. The unicorn's head flew clean off, and the Kuriotates heard a shrill cry: "Boom-shaka-laka! Dinnertime, boys!" They gaped in shock as a small pack of Balseraphs, grinning insanely and wielding their mysterious, horrifying weapons leapt out to examine the unicorn's corpse. "Start up a fire, ladies! I love me some horse meat. And whatever the hell is growing outta this thing's head, I'm sure it'll look really nice on my mantle! Shiny bits for the win!" The leader of the Balseraph soldiers cut off the unicorn's horn from the bit of head that it was stuck to and placed it in one of the few pockets on his coat not already overstuffed with baubles and trinkets.

Only then did he notice Mikal and Orsen. "Oi, Kuriotates! Was that your horse? If so, sorry 'bout that, but you shouldn't let the thing loose and unsaddled. We were hungry, after all!" Mikal barely manage to shake his head. "No, it wasn't yours? Good to hear! Some treehugger is doubtless wondering what happened to his mount-slash-lover right now. He'll get over it... when we blow his brain to bits, that is!" The Balseraph cackled insanely at the image of some Ljoslfar's head being blasted to pieces. "There's enough horsemeat for all of us, by the way, and one of our new recruits cooks horse meat real good. Worked in the stables, 'disposing' of horses that lost too many races. Care for some?"

Still unable to believe what they had just witnessed, Mikal and Orsen again shook their heads and walked off. "Suit yourselves," the Balseraph yelled. "Yeesh," he added to his mates, "they looked miserable. Poor suckers. Ah well, not my problem." And with that, the small Balseraph squad sat down to enjoy the only unicorn on Erebus, cooked medium rare.

---

AH, YOU'RE THAT UNICORN. YOU SURVIVED TWO HOURS... A NEW RECORD. "What happened to me?" THE BALSERAPHS WERE HUNGRY. THEY SAW YOU AND DECIDED TO EAT YOU. "Who are you?" DEATH. "Then I'm... dead? Why would they kill me?" I ALREADY SAID, THEY WERE HUNGRY. THERE'S ALSO THE PRINCESS RULE. IT'S HARD TO EXPLAIN, BUT BASICALLY IT MEANS CUDDLY THINGS DIE QUICKLY HERE. ONLY EXCEPTION IS PENGUINS... THEY'RE PROTECTED BY AN OBSCURE LOOPHOLE IN THE COMPACT. JUST BE GLAD YOUR DEATH WAS QUICK AND PAINLESS. THE BALSERAPHS WERE TOO HUNGRY TO GET... CREATIVE. "Who would eat a unicorn?" THE BALSERAPHS. TRUST ME, THEY'VE DONE WORSE. "But I was sent to bring peace and hope!" WHERE FROM? "Far, far away..." SOMEWHERE WITH HAPPILY EVER AFTERS? "Yes..." WELCOME TO EREBUS. THERE AREN'T MANY OF THOSE HERE. "What is the Angel of Hope doing? He should be making sure people live happily ever after, that every Princess finds her Prince Charming..." HE IS PRESENTLY PLANNING THE SLAUGHTER AND DAMNATION OF EVERY MAN, WOMAN, AND CHILD IN THIS UNIVERSE, TO AVENGE A PETTY AND CHILDISH GRUDGE WITH THE ONE. "What sort of place is this, where madmen eat unicorns, happily ever afters don't happen, and even angels Fall from Heaven?" AN INTERESTING ONE.

-KillerClowns

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